The Girl with All the Answers.

For most of my life I’ve had the answer. Sounds conceited, egotistical, know-it-all-ish, but it’s the truth. For my life and where I wanted to go, I always knew what my next step was, what direction to turn, which foot to put front first and held my head high. I could answer questions with an assurance that left others with the impression that I was going places in life, and I did. For as long as I can remember I had all the answers. Those answers overflowed as I went through life to my friends and family members who dared ask for advice, because they KNEW without a question, I’d give it. What to do about a boy/man/romantic situation, where to apply oneself for a promotion, why you weren’t happy, why your child was misbehaving, and most importantly, how you picked up the pieces of life after divorce. Call it wisdom, empathy, experience or just learning from observation, I had answers and 90% of the time they were correct. I was a fixer, the one you go to who can make everything better. I made life look easy.

As I have approached a crossroad in my own life, I no longer have all the answers. I can still tell you if he maybe cheating, how to discipline your child strong willed child and how to spice up your sex life but I am crippled with fear of the decisions facing me in my life. Afraid to go left or right, I kneel frozen in fear; I can’t sort through the bullshit of my own life. Often my desires, emotions and mental state compete with each other confusing me, creating a haze of un-focused-ness resulting in an emotional mess of what once was a very well put together successful woman, that unabashedly many women wanted to be. It’s not depression, its indecision. It’s a feeling I am unfamiliar with and uncomfortable with. It is my life and chaos of my own creation.